Do I send my young child to therapy?
I will contend I get asked about this as much as anything else. for the purpose of this article, the term “young child” is a child between 3 and 10. Please note, this may be the single most serious topic I ever have to address because it sets a precedent and the direction for a lot of what’s going to come next in a child’s life.
You’re probably asking yourself why the hell does a three-year-old “need” to go to therapy? Great question, actually. The “needs” child goes when the parents don’t know how to or can’t handle the child/child’s behavior. This means the child is overactive, hyper and likely acting out: screaming, yelling, hitting, crying, biting, displaying loud tantrums OR affecting other children in the home and/or an educational setting via these behaviors.
I am not a fan of sending children to therapy initially, particularly younger ones who don’t typically have the expressive language needed. I’m a trained school-psychologist and the son of two psychoanalysts and development/emotional intelligence is my jam so to speak. Don’t get me wrong play therapy can be a very valuable tool, but one hour per week with even the best therapist isn’t going to make up for parenting that needs work, and let me be clear the parenting needs work!
If the “need” for sending a child to therapy comes up, both parents need to go see a professional immediately. End of story. Got it? From there you can determine the potential efficacy and need for the child to enter counseling. You MUST find out what is triggering/causing and potentially reinforcing the behaviors. ASAP! And you need to know if YOU, the parent, are reinforcing the behaviors.
In the last 25 years what we’ve seen is the quick development of intellectual/verbal skills in small children and very often, too often, a semi to severe lag in emotional development. How do we know?
Children and young adults are not hitting typical developmental milestones and in case you hadn’t notice we have had a mental health crisis for years. Lots of years. There are too many examples, however…These children sound really smart too! And that can be a real problem for the parents whose own egos get involved.
Watch the levels of screaming and tantrums in public areas. Look at the age of the children. They aren’t all babies. Is it what you recall way back? I doubt it is. As an example, toilet training among other areas is often happening at a much later stage. The prevailing “when he’s ready, he will go” is a standard theme we hear now. Why are major life decisions being entrusted to someone who still craps their pants? Are you kidding me?
Children have pacifiers and breast feed well past the time they are verbal. WAY TOO LONG!! I think if a child can ask for which breast they want, they’re too old to breast-feed. Go with me on this one.
Kids aren’t getting drivers licenses when they turn 16 or even later, they live at home too long, and too often despite having no financial issues. Their relationships are toxic and a struggle, another reason many therapists are in play nowadays. There is more suicide, substance use/abuse, anxiety and depression than ever before, and again, this was before the pandemic ensued. Children were not being prepped to be resilient.
While this is PARTLY due to tech, gadgets and social media as teaching devices or as babysitters, moreover, it’s a lack of parenting to set limits and make a child move forward so they are “age appropriate.” The parent is not comfortable for whatever reasons or their own guilt interferes, so it creates a problem. That child takes the brunt and the world isn’t becoming more tolerant to these kids.
Please remember, we went from helicopter parenting to snow plow parenting, if you don’t know what that is look it up. For a while we have had a failure to launch in multiple generations. College admissions scandal what? I’ve heard of people faking orgasm, but parents faking a sport for the kid? Yeah, it happened. We are that lost as a society. Wonder why so many children lack requisite self esteem? Look no further.
Children are not hitting standard developmental milestones again and again, and that’s because they haven’t needed to, no one demanded it, so why would they? And this was pre-pandemic.
If your child is acting out you might want to consider the following and THEN find help:
-Is the child’s bedtime routine consistent?
-Is the child’s nutrition healthy or full of junk?
-Has a new sibling been brought into the family?
-Is the child exposed to too much screen time, videos/games and/or nudity? Yes nudity!
I know there’s this notion that we want children to feel comfortable with their bodies. That’s doesn’t mean we need to walk around naked though. Young children don’t need to see everybody’s junk hanging out and it doesn’t have to be the impediment to them feeling comfortable. It actually can create hyper arousal for the child. Remember Penis Envy? That was real. Adults can be over stimulated, the same and more happens with children.
Many children, usually boys cannot handle video games? Why are they over stimulated and hyper aroused? Mind you, there are typically no limits and reality checks first of all. A parent needs to put things in context and be able to say no. I am the first MTV generation, raised on video games and martial arts too, but my parents said no when needed, kept boundaries and had expectations. They worked.
You can teach children to be comfortable AND that it’s important to cover yourself to be mindful and thoughtful of others, otherwise known as empathy, which is severely lacking nowadays!
-Is there too much rough-housing near bedtime?
-Is there TOO MUCH stimulation for a young child?
You “NEED” to ask yourself these questions. A strong professional is going to ask you.
Personally/professionally, I would never treat a child without the parents doing the work first. that’s how I practice and I know it works. The home is the petri dish.
If you have an emotionally intelligent child, one of those children who seems a little more developed than their age would indicate, and they asked to speak to a therapist, then by all means that’s a really good reason to get help, but just the notion of sending a child to therapy because you can’t handle them and before you’ve done your homework can give the child the idea that there’s something wrong with them and a level of shame you want to make sure they don’t absorb. A young child may need therapy fo a number of reasons, but you want to make sure your side as a parent is well addressed before sending. Don’t just send a child; talk to guidance counselors, Licensed therapists and professionals first.
Do your homework. PLEASE!!! In a TWO parent household BOTH need to go together to do the work. If the other parent refuses to go and be helpful, my suggestion is don’t have sex with them until they do.
I wasn’t kidding…🙌🏻☯️
