ATTACHMENT…How Much Do we Need?
Parents: Attachment is such a big buzzword nowadays…there’s SOOO much attachment and talk about it, but do we need less? Do you?
Life ultimately requires healthy attachment/connection at the start, and ironically some detachment in order to develop independence. Children need successful individuation to feel secure and combat anxiety on their own, which would lead them to leave home one day. This doesn’t matter if you the parent wish for your child to live at home forever, which is becoming more commonplace now. That being said, I have yet to EVER meet a couple who is thrilled at this prospect. Not one!
I would argue Resilience requires a LACK of Attachment, if anything, and it develops personal Fortitude, most definitely earned by having to endure discomfort. Like the first day of school, pre covid, you were heading out into the world unknown and at some point hopefully, you felt secure enough to know everything was going to be OK. Given the screaming numbers of people hooked on benzos and abusing even “recreational” drugs, attachment has become a serious problem. We can have too much attachment I suggest. I digress. Maybe not actually.
If I may complain for a moment or seven, the number of books, videos, blogs on attachment today boggle my mind. Why so many? Was this so complicated? This notion that children should be SOOOO attached, that everything should be unconditional with a child and everything needs to be done with ultimate love to make that happen or else look out below, is fascinating and frightening AF to me.
That’s why parents often don’t often display anger to children to all their detriment. They are afraid it will create detachment and even a sociopathic child. This is TOTAL BS. The notion that a child should never feel a parents anger, even if justified anger (not violence mind you) creates an environment where a child may not develop empathy, because if you don’t respect your parents feelings, whose feelings will you respect?
It is oddly lucrative, yet sad for me and many clinicians that this trend grows. I watch parents who are angry with the fact their children do nothing on their own, don’t ever help, complain and yell constantly and scream that they hate their parents, and the parents take it, out of misguided fear. Moms take much more of the brunt. Dads ought to be backing them up generally. If you aren’t on the same page, seek counseling yesterday.
There seems to be some Zeitgeist that a child won’t be attached if we don’t OVER-attach. First of all, why wouldn’t a child be attached unless you are detached? Now, celebrities are breastfeeding one and two kids on camera, going live on social media, because we are in the “show it all” age for money. “Look at me!! Look at how attached we are!!!” Again TOTAL BS. This does NOT denote healthy attachment.
Attached (using the term loosely) children who cannot cope with being alone, handle idle time/being “bored” and cannot self-regulate/soothe or go to bed on their own is not a feat. Really it isn’t. Who did that help? They are being emotionally crippled essentially. Often children are pawns in a bad marriage. Raising a child who is resilient, emotionally secure and has empathy is an amazing feat though. We are seeing so much less of it I would argue. That’s why when we see a polite child with manners we are so f#%&ing impressed. We shouldn’t be though. Yet we are.
Albeit, one parent CANNOT and SHOULD NOT make up for the co-parent if the/she exists by OVER-attaching. Making up for deficiencies in a partner has a litany of inherent issues. Helicoptering, we know builds an anxious and dependent (if not inherently angry) child. No child needs to be breast fed for years. They don’t. It’s about the mom at that point, not the child. And “Co-Sleeping?” No, it’s “Sleeping” and a recipe for divorce if you’re married. Children need to learn to soothe themselves, even babies do, to a degree. Who is all this attachment for anyway? I thought a child’s independence was the whole point.
We have seen the results of Helicopter and now Snowplow Parenting styles as abysmal failures, unless you consider crippling anxiety and depression, being addicted to drugs or caught in the College Admission scandal a success. Children with less self esteem, little to no drive and now manny who are just baked with weed to numb this world aren’t thriving. What was the goal here? These children detach, but in an often self-destructive, non-functioning, unhealthy way.
Attachment is relative. We do not need tons of it to function or thrive, in fact there, is plenty of evidence to suggest that self-esteem and confidence will come from independence, emotionally speaking. Confident children succeed more, have more drive and less chance for addiction and other mental health concerns. That’s what clinicians understand.
So in short, it’s important, particularly nowadays to check your motives and have a discussion about what the goals are for the child: Independence or Dependence. I guarantee one of these goals is what you should strive for. Can you guess which one?
And by the way, children who can express their feelings, especially anger in a healthy fashion using their words, don’t end up becoming sociopaths. They just grow up and move out.
